


Every Heartbeat

by suchanadorer



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Lucifer POV, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-05
Updated: 2013-01-05
Packaged: 2017-11-23 18:10:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/625133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suchanadorer/pseuds/suchanadorer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Hell is two things: the absence of God and the presence of time.</i> - Glen Duncan, I, Lucifer</p><p>From his cage, Lucifer can only see glimpses of Sam's life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Every Heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [msbrokenbrightside](https://archiveofourown.org/users/msbrokenbrightside/gifts).



There is no way to measure the passage of time in the Cage. It spreads out in every direction, empty yet still managing to be the only thing filling the space around him. It is no buffer for his pain, and after a while he disregards it completely. It is irrelevant.

Then Sam Winchester is conceived, and there is something to break up the endless stretch of waiting.

He hadn’t expected to be able to feel Sam. If God himself was shut off to him, how could he possibly be reached by a single human soul? But there he is, all the same, an invisible sensation that touches Lucifer from far away and settles deep inside him, protected from the torture of the nothingness that surrounds him. Lucifer wants to keep him there. He wants to protect him. The thought surprises him.

Lucifer starts to measure time in heartbeats. It’s really all there is to Sam at first: the thrum of life and the beat of a tiny heart, still inside his mother. She doesn’t deserve him. She sold him to a demon to get her husband back. What kind of a mother does that to her unborn child? Even now Lucifer wants to take him and have him for his own, find a way to save him from the life he knows that Sam must lead in order to prepare him for a future he has not chosen, but cannot escape.

Lucifer knows when Sam is born. It’s the first time Sam encounters fear, the first time he cries. Lucifer cries with him. He remembers his own creation, what it felt like to realize for the first time that _He Is_. Sam is a person now. If Lucifer had arms, he could hold him.

He wonders what that would be like, little baby Sam looking up at him and smiling.

Sam’s heart beats seventeen million four hundred eighty-four thousand three hundred sixty-two times in the first six months of his life. He is a happy baby, keeping his pulse steady. It spikes one evening in early November when his nursery erupts in flame. Lucifer has no idea what the date is, but he knows what’s happened. He can feel it in the way that Sam’s soul changes.

The fear in Sam’s heart pumps Azazel’s tainted blood through his body even faster, and by the time he’s calm again, in John’s arms outside the house, it’s become a part of him. Lucifer laments the path that Sam has been set on, all in his name. These things should not be forced on a child too young to give consent.

As Sam grows, so does the tenuous connection Lucifer has to him. Lucifer stops counting heartbeats, but they are always there in the background, and if anyone existed that cared to ask him, he’d always be able to tell them what the count was. But there are more interesting things in Sam’s life to observe, the only distraction from the gaping hollowness.

There is no God in the Cage. There is only Lucifer, and the beat of Sam’s heart.

For Lucifer, Sam’s life is like a map of a far distant land, well-worn from study but never put to practical use. He has always known the difficulties his vessel would face, but now that Sam is living that same life, it is as if Lucifer for the first time sees that land that he has dreamed of for so long. Everything is thrown into sharp relief, and it is staggering to witness. The rare peaks that are the joy in Sam’s life serve only to throw darker shadows on the valleys of loneliness and pain.

As Lucifer watches Sam grow he wonders if all this is really necessary. He wishes that there was some other way for them to be brought together, that Sam would not have to walk the darkest possible road. Lucifer longs for the love and acceptance of his Father, but he knows it will never be granted. Sam does not have that luxury, and so he continues to hope. It pains Lucifer to know this, and he grows even more bitter with his Father. Sam being forced to suffer is yet another way for God to punish Lucifer, even when they are separated by the borders of the Cage.

There is no sight or sound where he is. Lucifer does not watch Sam’s life play out before him. Rather, he simply experiences it and knows that it is happening, just as he did not have to learn about the Universe in order to know everything about it. The fact that he can, on occasion, share Sam’s emotions seems only to be another facet of the torture of following his vessel’s life. Sadness, anger, emptiness, and far too seldom joy and love come to Lucifer like knots in the thread that is Sam’s heartbeat, constantly flowing through him. Using these, he can navigate the map of Sam’s life, and through them he comes to know his vessel, and to care for him.

Lucifer longs to see his face. He wants to know what Sam looks like on those rare occasions that he smiles. He wants to make Sam smile. He has never felt this way about a human before. He wishes for good things for Sam.

There are things that are marked on Lucifer’s map, checkpoints in Sam’s life that are easy to identify when they come to pass. His birth. Azazel’s visit. The first time he kills something. The first time John _really_ hurts him. But there are stretches that are unmarked, and Lucifer can only wonder about the glimpses he sees then. He feels fear and excitement, but does not know that it is Sam’s first day of school. He does not recognize the butterflies in Sam’s stomach the first time a girl smiles and him and he likes it, nor can he understand Sam’s ecstasy the first time he makes love. What he can do it marvel at his vessel’s capacity for love and forgiveness, and hope that that capacity will even extend to him when the time comes. He wants Sam’s love.

Sam separates from his family, and through him Lucifer knows the thrill of rebellion and freedom. Sam walked away; Lucifer was thrown.

There is a new sense of excitement that follows along Sam’s pulse. A demon introduces Sam to a girl, and Lucifer’s mistrust of his motives is overpowered when Sam falls in love. It’s pure and true, different from the complicated love Sam has for his family. Lucifer wants nothing more than for Sam to be able to keep it for as long as possible, even as he knows that it can’t stay.

When Sam starts to have visions, Lucifer has them too. He feels the ache in Sam’s head, the way his muscles cramp up as he fights against it. Lucifer wants to help. He wants to soothe the ache and help Sam relax and accept this power he’s been given. It is a gift that is already bringing them closer. He likes it when Sam’s heartbeat is strong and steady, not the frightened, thready pace that accompanies his nightmares.

Sam’s pulse skyrockets again, and Lucifer knows that Jess has been taken from him. He has been pushed back onto the path that will bring them together. He feels Sam’s sorrow, but also hope for himself, and for them. His time in the Cage is drawing to a close, but this will be a trial for Sam to endure, and Lucifer weeps for him. Sam is no longer an infant, but Lucifer still wonders if he would smile if he held him in his arms.

There was a plan set in place before Lucifer was locked away. It was simple, flawless. Azazel was to give his blood to Sam, and when the time came Sam would be prepared to lead Lucifer’s legions as the Boy King, breaking seals and strengthening their forces until Lilith was sacrificed and Lucifer was freed. Sam’s own father would start it, down in Hell, by breaking the first seal.

But Azazel was greedy and presumptuous. He saw Sam Winchester and was not convinced of Lucifer’s assertion that he was the one to lead them. He thought Sam too benevolent, but only because he equated kindness with weakness. He did not think that Sam was worthy of Lucifer.

So Azazel chose more children, baptized them with his blood, and assembled them to compete for the privilege of leading Lucifer’s army. As if there could be any real competition; that right had been Sam’s since the dawn of time, whether Azazel liked it or not.

Lucifer watches this deviation from the plan with little more than mild annoyance. Azazel is cruel. He expresses his loyalty in a twisted sort of way. It is more needless suffering for Lucifer’s unwitting vessel, and he resolves to transfer all that suffering to Azazel himself when the time comes. Lucifer is not to be second-guessed, even if it is no matter in the great scheme of things. Sam will win, and perhaps be more assured that his purpose is true.

Then something goes horribly wrong. The thread of Sam’s pulse snaps. It’s become a lifeline for Lucifer, coming to him out of nothing for over twenty years, and the lack of it is terrifying. This is not a part of the map of Sam’s life, and he throws himself at the intangible edges of the Cage, raging and fighting, cursing Azazel and his arrogance. For the first time since his imprisonment, the Cage rings with his cries. Without Sam’s heartbeat, time stops again.

The Gates of Hell are opened, Lucifer’s First walks the Earth again, and the Righteous Man escapes. Lucifer’s elegant plan to guide Sam to his destiny lies in ruins.

Sam’s heart beats again and Lucifer reels, filled with uncomprehending joy. Sam’s brother sold his soul to bring Sam back to life, and Lucifer starts to count again. This time he measures out one year exactly, until his sweet, wicked Lilith finds Dean and kills him.

 _Lilith._ His First. His daughter, lover, creation. She is the reason for his imprisonment, and she is the final seal that will set him free. He had hoped that she would be able to see what Azazel had not: Sam Winchester is the only one who can be their salvation. Lilith has a purpose, but she is also proud. Emboldened by her newfound freedom she, too, believes that she can forge a plan that will allow her to live to see her Father’s coming, but when she tries to kill Sam herself she realizes that this is impossible. Lucifer’s true vessel can not be circumvented, and neither can her own sacrifice.

Dean’s time in Hell is the most difficult in Sam’s life, and Lucifer grieves for him. He has never known love so great that they would sacrifice themselves for him. Time and time again the demons have shown that they are too cowardly to do this. Lilith will do it because she is trapped by her own destiny, but Dean gave his soul freely to save his brother.

Lucifer longs to be free of his Cage, no longer just for his own sake but for Sam’s as well. He wants to save him from his life, to shield him from the wounds that fate has given him, and the blows that are as yet not dealt. _This is enough,_ he begs in a voice that cracks from disuse. _Do not make him suffer more just to punish me._

But there is no answer.

Ruby finds Sam. She had shown no particular promise, but Lilith had assured Lucifer that she was the one to fulfill this task. Sam is crushed, driven insane by loss and grief, and Lucifer is heartbroken to know that he can do nothing for him. He places all his hopes on Ruby, but prepares for the betrayal and disappointment that has followed every time a demon is sent to play a role in Sam’s life.

Ruby is an excellent lieutenant. She cares for Sam, truly cares for him, and Lucifer can only act as witness as she reconstructs the pieces of his shattered vessel, and uses her own blood to make him strong again. The promise that the Boy King once held resurfaces as she teaches him to harness his powers, under the guise of stopping the Apocalypse. It hurts Lucifer to watch this living part of him be deceived, and to know that when Lucifer is free Sam’s mind will be poisoned against him. The dream of holding Sam in his arms fades. It will be impossible now, and he mourns the loss of something he never really had.

Sam and Ruby are hunted, because they in their turn hunt demons who do not understand that Lilith has to die, and that Sam must be the one to do it. Ruby is Lilith’s agent, and she does what no one else could. She brings Sam to the chapel so that he can kill Lilith and set Lucifer free.

The demons continue to disappoint Lucifer. Convinced of their own abilities and believing the lies spread by Lilith and Ruby, they now value their own freedom more than the mission. An attending mother is given more loyalty than an absent father. They are splintered fractions of miserable, stinking traitors who will reap no rewards when Lucifer is free.

Lucifer’s Cage is rocked by a sudden assault on Hell itself and he is paralyzed by sensation as everywhere there is grace, out of nowhere. _There are angels in Hell._ It is the closest he has come to his Father since he was cast out. He thrashes against his bonds, writhes as he tries to take in as much as he can. It is little more than a drop of water to a man dying of thirst, and when they leave – taking the Righteous Man with them – he is left more desperate than ever for companionship.

Cracks begin to appear in the Cage as the seals are broken. Lucifer can sense it, this change that’s happening around him. He has been patient for so long, but now he struggles. He wants to be free of this vile, unwanted kingdom his Father has saddled him with. He would build a mountain of the wretched souls of those who claim to serve him if only it would bring him closer to freedom, and to Sam. With his brother returned to him, Sam shines through the cracks, a light in the darkness so bright that the legions of Hell cannot comprehend that he is the one that will be their savior. They fight against him, waylay him and refuse to cooperate. Lucifer understands, but he will not forgive them.

Finally, after so many heartbeats and so much time, Sam destroys Lilith. Lucifer escapes in a pillar of light only to curse and lament at finding the chapel empty. He is furious at being denied his other half. Sam needs him just as much as he needs Sam, he is sure of it. No one else can care for him the way that he can, no one knows as much about his life or his struggles. Lucifer has followed his life since his conception, and has waited for this moment since time out of mind.

He sets off in search of another vessel when he feels it, still there inside him. A heartbeat. This is how he will find Sam. He will follow this like a beacon and seek out his true vessel to convince him to take this last step. It will not be easy, but Lucifer will not be dissuaded. When he loves, it is all-encompassing. He loves Sam, and he will not remain parted from him.


End file.
